for the love of limericks

I love Limericks. They’re meant to be brief, rude, and funny.  They’re also very playful. Sort of like tweets, but in rhyme. Here are a few I’ve written over the past year or so:

 

 

A compulsive “hygienist” named Anne,

Married an equally fixated young man,

And as this story begins

She gives birth to twins

And names one Spick and the other one Span.

 

 

Three blind mice in a kitchen

Sent the ladlady screamin’ and twitchin’.

Surely if I introduce

Them all to Mother Goose,

She’d write a rhyme that fits their description!

 

 

No matter how hard or long he would try,

Jack could jump, but he couldn’t fly.

The idiot insisted,

Gravity resisted…

He broke the candlestick and burned his thigh.

 

 

Santa was punishing his elves

By making them dust all the shelves

‘Cause they thought he was kidding

When they’d heard him forbidding

Them from ever touching themselves!

 

 

Let me tell you about my uncle Leo

Who never felt any urge to use deo

By the end of the week

My uncle would reek.

And I’d pinch my nose and yell “eo!”

 

 

Famed boxer Rocky Balboa

(Quick with his fist but with his brain, much sloa)

Was easily beguiled

Into fathering a child

With a girl (although he swore he didn’t knoa).

 

After quick coitus, Sir James Slattery

said: “No, it’s not a weak battery.

You just fail to see

that my P.E.

Is actually a form of flattery?”

 

 

In one of the famous poetry salons,

A contest for gold, silver, and bronze.

2nd and 3d place went to those

Who wrote impeccable prose

But the true winner also wrote cons!

 

 

It is said that one famous Russian

Wanted to settle a long-drawn discussion

So he made a bet

Over a form of roulette

And soon died from cranial concussion.

 

 

An old fellow from Japan

Decided to eat more and more bran.

But then his intestines

Started protestin’

And that’s when the shit hit the fan.

 

 

A carpenter by the name of Joseph

Had a son…Oh, wait! You surely know this…

So I better write another

But not about the mother

For this topic is a little corrosive.

 

 

Back when human knowledge was vague

A man by the name of McCaig

believing that flowers

possess healing powers

Immediately died of the plague.

 

 

The people of the Limerick tribe

Try their best to accurately describe

So please don’t judge them,

Hate or begrudge them,

But you may Comment · Like · Subscribe

 

 

Dear mother, we say this to you,

We know the trouble you’re going through.

We don’t mind the whippin’

or the broth that we’re sippin’

But can we please move out of this shoe?!

 

A Limerick In Synonyms:

In a room overlooking the waterfront

A woman anxiously stared at her timepiece

For at half past cinque

Her beau will be present

At which time she’ll be getting some rooster.

 

 

There was a young man from Jakarta

Who absolutely loved cream of tartar

His favorite dish

Consisted of fish

Which he always had as a starter.

 

 

Once upon a morning in Troy

The people woke up to find a toy

But the giant horse

Wasn’t a gift, of course,

But rather a Greek decoy.

 

 

On a raft lost in the middle of sea

The captain and his parrot disagree.

“But if this damn bird

Repeats what it’s heard,

Does that mean I argue with me?”

 

 

A young tiger, quite a beginner

Caught little, and grew much thinner.

If he were any wiser

He’d give up an incisor

And have juicy tooth fairy for dinner!

 

 

A tooth fairy cried as she said:

“I wish I would find myself dead!

What kind of creep

Encourages kids to sleep

With a lost tooth under their head?”

 

 

I was once at a place I won’t mention

When I felt the need for attention,

So I lowered my pants

And started to dance,

And had to stay afterwards for detention.

 

 

When the men and the horses returned

The king ordered them all to be burned.

He said “Don’t beg!

You can’t even save an egg!

And so a lesson must be learned!”

 

 

There was once a spirit in flight

That hovered above waters at night

And gained so much vigor,

That its dreams grew bigger

And it demanded: “Let there be light!”

 

 

 

A masochistic girl from Milwaukee

Ended a strange affair with a jockey.

He was always on top

And he whipped her with a crop.

She loved it. She just thought he was cocky.

 

 

There was once a 25-year-old stoner

Who claimed to be an organ donor;

But the doctors and nurses

Showered him with curses

When he asked them to inspect his boner.

 

 

There was a duckling with feathers black.

Her siblings made her stand in the back,

But when the winter was gone,

She spoke as a swan:

“You bitches shoulda cut me some slack!”

 

 

Johnny sat in the kitchen looking grim;

His boyfriend just broke up with him.

He asked with tears in his eyes:

“You’re dumping me for exercise?”

“No! I said I was going to Jim!”

 

 

A speedy rabbit (a.k.a. “The Shoes”)

Was challenged and could not refuse.

But he underrated the turtle,

And slept under a myrtle,

And woke up just in time to lose.

 

 

There was once a young ventriloquist

Who was always obnoxiously pissed.

For hours on end

He could argue with a friend

But could never talk back to his fist.